Most people assume their relationship problems are about communication. He doesn’t listen. She shuts down during arguments. They can’t agree on finances or parenting or how to spend a Saturday. And while those surface-level conflicts are real and painful, therapists who specialize in relationship work will often say the same thing: what’s happening between two people is usually a reflection of something happening within each of them.

That’s not a comfortable idea. It’s much easier to point at the other person and say, “If they would just change, everything would be fine.”… Read more